Weaker

“The words just tumbled out, like a stream tumbling down a waterfall. They bounced and slid, crashing into each other and coming out miles later in a quiet, pristine pool.”

Or not.

In my attempt to do more writing, I’ve been doing more reading. After finishing a book that was similar in style to what I’m working on, I browsed Kindle’s suggestions of books by the same author. In the story of his journey of writing, he talks about finally making the leap to becoming a full-time writer, and how freeing it was. The quote above is my own exaggeration of his expression of writing pleasure.

I wish writing happened like that for me. I’m in a writer’s paradise right now, on a 3-day writing retreat. Write, read, pray. Eat lunch. Drink coffee and write, read, pray. Drink green tea. Write, read, pray. Eat dinner. It’s such a blessing to have this time and opportunity. But I’ve made one discovery: writing is hard. I have yet to have a waterfall experience. Words don’t tumble out. Instead, I pull them out, three or four at a time, often by force. What do I do next? I ask myself about every fifteen minutes.

Lord, I began my next conversation, I don’t think I’m a writer. Or at least not this kind of writer. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t think what I’m writing sounds very good. Over the years – through practice and peoples’ generous comments – I’ve gained a little bit of confidence in my ability to write short blog posts. Writing an entire story and lessons from someone’s life – the project I’m working on now – is a much different task.

I feel weak in the midst of the bigness of this project.

His answer to my weakness is a whisper: I’ve called you to do this. But I’ve called you to do it with Me. Grasp my hand. You will have only one hand free, but I’ll come in with my free hand and work with you. Don’t worry about being successful right now. Just be obedient.

So I boil more water and submerge the same mango green tea bag for the fourth time. Some might think it’s weak, I like it better that way. The first time, the green tea bitterness is overwhelming, even if I brew it for just ten seconds. But by the third or fourth cup, the delicate fruit flavor really starts to come out. Sometimes weaker is better.